The sad fact is that when I was going through the menopause, I didn’t realise what was happening to me. I didn’t experience giveaway symptoms such as hot flushes and night sweats but my mood was like an elevator - except with no apparent way of controlling and moving between floors.
My GP (male, 60 ish) diagnosed me as a so-called classic case of ‘mid-life depression’. He prescribed extremely unsuitable antidepressants which made me so manic that I lost a stone and a half in 2 months and sleeping tablets which left me feeling so brain-fogged, I often couldn’t tell you if it was Tuesday or Easter! And, of course, the antidepressants had no effect on the hormonal mood swings that raged within me.
I remember an occasion where Charles, my husband, suggested we go out to supper one Friday evening. We were travelling to the restaurant which was local, when he innocently decided to take a route which involved a level crossing. Sure enough, the red lights started flashing and the railway gates came down. As we sat there waiting for the train to come, I let Charles ‘have it’ about taking such a stupid route when it was SO obvious a train would come. My anger just catapulted from 0-100 in a few short minutes.
I lambasted him on his poor judgement, after all the years of driving in Chichester that he should know to take a different way as it was just so awful to sit and wait for a stupid train!
Then I digressed and said this was just another example of poor judgement and that, actually, (voice rising) he was beginning to lose the plot generally. He sat there, all the while completely nonplussed, but cautious not to inflame the situation. In the end, I had wound myself up to such a degree that I told him he was the last person on earth I wanted to have supper with. I got out of the car, slammed the door and walked home seething.
These kind of scenarios, where the most innocent thing could make me tip over into a rage, made for a family walking on egg shells for a couple of years. It is completely understandable that many marriages can’t and don’t survive such trauma and, even though my husband is deeply caring and devoted to our family, there were occasions when he thought of bailing out. He is shocked that he didn’t know more and therefore be able to be more helpful and supportive.
Another side effect of the menopause was the migraines which, although had plagued me for most of my adult life, began to ramp up in both intensity and frequency. No longer with a tidy menstrual cycle to follow, the evil headaches could last for weeks. Medication made hardly any impact on the pain. I would often have no choice but to stay in bed and hope for sleep. The attitude of the medical fraternity was one of ‘this woman really ought to get a grip’. Ironically, I have only had perhaps two headaches in the last three years since my hormones have calmed down.
Often menopausal symptoms collide with circumstances in a woman’s life where she is expected to be firing on all cylinders: for example, elderly parents becoming more frail and dependant. In my own case, my mother came to need and expect my time and I felt incredibly guilty at not being able to meet those needs through either depression or pain. Luckily, I am one of 5 siblings so I didn’t have sole responsibility but there are plenty of women who just have to get on with it.
Another potential source of conflict is that the age when a woman is approaching the menopause is often when their daughters are trying to master their own unruly hormones. Pre-menstrual tension in one, combined with the unbridled rush of hormones in another, can lead to a true clash of the Titans, as I have to confess occasionally happened in my household. My daughter and I would stalk each other as if in a pressure cooker that would finally blow a gasket - screaming matches that would have the menfolk running for cover. Luckily no lasting damage has been done to our relationship but that may not be the same for everybody.
The more that is known, understood and talked about to support women as they journey through the menopause, the fewer the casualties to family life.
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